Dating is always a gamble, no matter who it is you’re seeing – whether it’s a crush you’ve harboured for months or a random Tinder meet-up, your first impressions count for a lot. You can’t help but observe the numerous personal habits of the other person and imagine whether or not you can stomach them months, or potentially years, down the line. But how do you know that the person you first meet is going to stay that nice as time goes on? You could go on a date with someone who appears to be your ideal partner, but who later turns out to be a complete control-freak psycho.
Luckily, there are more than a few common red flags that seem to crop up very often in those who don’t make suitable lovers; enough that internet-users in polls and forums have actually managed to boil them down to the bare essentials. If you’re dating someone and you spot any of these behaviours, it might be a hint that you need to get out of there.
1. Someone who wants to celebrate multiple anniversaries
If you’ve only been going out with someone a month, and they want to celebrate your month-long anniversary, run. If you’ve only been going out a week and they want to celebrate your week-long anniversary, run faster. This is your first big hint that this person is too clingy and wants things to move way too fast, or that they want to attach themselves to you right away.
2. They make enemies easily
Someone who constantly complains about their colleagues at work, or who blames their family members for arguments, or who falls out with their friends routinely, and never thinks that they’re in the wrong, is almost certain to be hostile, antagonistic and quick to pick faults with others. The best relationships function when both parties are able to accept their faults and work to better each other. People who view every difference of opinion as an excuse to roll their sleeves up and hold a grudge will never compromise, and likely alienate you.
3. They’re obsessed with their ex
If someone is dating you, they should pay you the common courtesy of paying you the attention you deserve, and if their exes are constantly hanging over your relationship like a bad smell then it’s likely that their heart just isn’t in it. We’ve all got hang-ups when it comes to people we used to date, but living in the past and pining after people who have moved on is never good. You don’t want to spend time with your significant other wondering if they’re fixated on the one that got away.
4. Excessive texting/calling
If someone texts you constantly, leaves hundreds of voicemails and private messages you when you’re away from the phone, that’s a pretty unambiguous indication that they have abandonment issues and are way too needy. Yes, it’s always sweet to get a message from someone you like, and we can all be a little guilty of being a bit too chatty. But if the messages are relentless and give you no room to breathe then it’s a big indicator that they want to micromanage you and expect the entirety of your attention at all times.
5. Rude to the waiter
This warning sign always comes up, but that’s because it’s always true. If someone is rude to a waiter, or unpleasant to a bartender or belittles anyone who serves them, my advice is to get out of there early. Anyone who’s ever been at the nasty end of an irate customer knows that people who explode at staff like this are just pretty bullies. It’s like Sirius Black says, “If you want to know the measure of a man, look at how he treats his inferiors, not his equals.” The way that someone treats service personnel is more often than not a very accurate look at how they’ll treat a partner six months down the line.
6. They’re obsessed with having kids
First of all, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to raise a family; that’s one of the most natural impulses in the world. When things get messy is when a person just wants a baby from anyone, without a thought for whether or not they are financially or emotionally prepared to care for that baby. What’s worse is that these kind of people often just want “a baby” as opposed to a son or daughter that will grow up. It shows that they just see your relationship as a means to conception.
7. “If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best”
People who use this expression, or others like it, like “I’m normally a nice guy, unless you piss me off” for example, are more often that not never at their best, always at their worst and consistently pissed off. Look; we all have bad days and sour moods. Being grumpy from time-to-time doesn’t make you a psychopath. But using expressions like this to excuse rudeness and callous disregard is a sure fire way to determine whether or not someone goes out of their way to be mean. It’s just a way for people to say “put up with the flaws I’ll never try to fix, or I’ll never be nice in the first place.”
8. They make you pass arbitrary tests
Anyone who lies to you in order to make you jump through imaginary hoops, who says things like “I only broke up with you to see if you would fight for me” or “I said I wanted us to stop having sex to see if you were really attracted to me” or who flirts with other people in front of you because they want to see you get jealous, is not worth your time. Relationships are about couples being open, honest, and trusting each other at face value. Nobody wants to be subjected to another person’s mind games.
9. They’re jealous
Jealousy is never an attractive quality, and if your partner flies off the handle or storms off in a huff just because you’ve struck up conversation with someone else, it’s a big reg flag that they don’t trust you around other people. Those who don’t know how to trust need a pet, not a partner. Possessiveness if their way of keeping you boxed in and dependent on them. Don’t give into it. You’re a free agent, and they’re not your warden.
10. They’re always on their phone
If someone is always on their phone, even when you’re on a date, even when you’re actually talking to them, it’s a pretty obvious indicator that they don’t think very highly of your company, or that they think they’ve got better places to be. Everyone has to text back sometimes, or reply to an inconvenient call on occasion, but if you’ve taken someone out to dinner and they’re playing Candy Crush, it does beg the question of how much they really care about your feelings.
11. They try to isolate your from your social circles
This is another seriously bad sign. Everyone is entitled to friends and a social life, and although your partner doesn’t necessarily have to be friends with your friends, they don’t have the right to dictate who you socialise with. It a clear sign that they don’t trust you when they can’t keep an eye on you, that they demand constant attention, and that they feel you’re under their thumb. Furthermore, restricting contact with other people is the best way for you to normalise their aberrant behaviour, since you’ll have nobody to seek advice from or to gain fresh perspective on the relationship from.
12. They stand you up on dates
You can’t go out with someone who simply isn’t there, or who who is unreliable. If someone stands you up with no explanation, you should just consider that relationship over. It’s no worth trying to make it work because the odds are that they’ll do it again. Spare yourself a lot of hassle and find someone who will make the effort to keep promises.
13. They’re only interested in your job
There are some people who want to date a doctor, or a lawyer: any doctor or lawyer will do. If someone only cares about your job description then the odds are that they’re more interested in your wages or tax bracket than your personality, either that or they just want the prestige of dating someone who does an “important job.” The person you date should be content with what makes you content, and your career shouldn’t be something that affects your love life.
14. They don’t know how much things cost
If people are used to having things bought for them, they probably don’t know much about the value of everyday commodities. People who have no idea how expensive things are most likely have lived their lives having other people provide for their needs, and thus are ill-equipped to properly manage their own finances … and are probably only too advantage to dip into your wallet.
15. They only talk about themselves
Relationships are based on sympathy, communication and equality. The person you’re dating should be just as interested in you as you are in them and no more. If the person you’re dating is actually only interested in themselves and why you’re interested in them, they probably have the kind of ego that’s ill-suited to long term relationships. There’s nothing more off-putting than arrogance and narcissism, and it only leads to a laundry list of issues later on.
If you’ve read all these examples and now you’re feeling intimidated by the idea of dating, just remember that no-body’s perfect, and if you have feelings for someone and I honestly believe that they’re worth fighting for, then the very best thing you can do when they do something you don’t like is approach them rationally and discuss it openly. Every couple will have disagreements and arguments: it’s how you move forward that defines the quality of your relationship. If you need proof then look no further than these ten reasons couples need to have fights to be stay together.