Welcome my friends: come in, come in. What a spectacle we have for you today! We’ve got hotdog legs, ice cold beers and copious amounts of manicured nails resting on passports. We’ve got BBQs, picnics, festivals, sunburn, red party cups and endless repeats of Despacito on a Beats Pill. This, ladies and gentlemen, is Summer on Social Media (SOSM).
Social media in the summer is essentially a flexing contest between you and your “friends” to see who is having the best summer; it’s like Christmas on social media, but it lasts three months. On Christmas Day, our timelines are awash with Michael Kors watches, Calvin Klein boxers and an incessant amounts of deodorant and shower gel sets.
Everybody, and I mean everybody, has the best wife/husband/mom/dad/parents/girlfriend/boyfriend/brother or sister, and they all seem to have the biggest Christmas tree you have ever seen in your life. This bragging culture disappears once new year rolls into town, and we all go into a self-loathing hibernation throughout the cold, harsh months of January and February.
However, come spring time, bodies are more chiseled, skin is fake tanned and we begin our battle for online approval once more; which bring us to this. This list, which has taken hours to compile, is the definitive list of every type of person you will see on social media this summer. No other list matters, okay?
The Holiday Goer
And so we begin, with the most classic of the summer personalities: The Holiday Goer. The Holiday Goer (THG) was probably pretty popular in school and they’re one of those people who is always tanned. When you see them in October and your skin is pasty, dry and flaking onto anyone within a 500m radius of you, they stand there like a bronzed bombshell.
You ask them the key to their success, how do they afford all these holidays? There answer is simple: “I don’t really drink”. This is the thing with THG, they’re usually pretty boring. Amongst all the poolside photos, the pink nails on the passport, the ‘CYA L8ER ENGLAND (plane emoji)’ captions, they’re a lost soul.
Wondering around in a world where all their mates are constantly intoxicated to deal with the mundane routines of life, there they are, talking about the all inclusive in Cape Verde they’ve booked and drinking a lime and soda. You envy their lifestyle whenever you log online, but then you put on your jacket, go down the pub and realise where your heart lies.
They seem quite similar to the THG, but this rabble are a different beast altogether. The traveller is usually that kid at school who was really good at climbing trees. Whenever you went to the park, they would be off like a gunshot, clambering up the nearest set of branches and sitting at the top.
The travellers are an absolute staple of SOSM, they are impossible to avoid and revel in the fact that everyone they know is envious of them. There they are in Bali, oooh now they’re in Halong Bay, then Melbourne. Suddenly, they’re wearing baggy Elephant pants and promoting hemp products on Facebook, but you know as soon as they come back to reality, you’ll see them in KFC wearing their grey Nike tracksuit covered in stains.
Much like THG, you wonder how the traveller affords their escapades. The truth is, they’re still living with their parents whilst paying little/no rent, meaning they’re sitting on more cash than you could ever dream of. You, on the other hand, live with your mates and get by eating tuna out of the can and drinking budget lager. But hey: at least you’re independent, right?
The Festival Goer
Ah yes, festivals: drug fuelled mud baths, which after the days turn into a hot mess of dirty people getting with each other in steamy tents without having brushed their teeth for half a week. I used to love festivals, then I discovered how much I love showering, or going to the bathroom in a toilet rather than a hole.
Festivals on social media look incredibly different to the reality. The festival goers (TFG) uploads will include panoramic shots of the camping site, “spiritual” chill out locations, and a Facebook live of Ed Sheeran singing “Shape of You” where you cannot see him as they are so far back from the stage.
Whilst in all their social media posts, TFGs look clean, beautiful and happy, in reality they will smell like a mixture of dirt, sweat and urine. Their stomach will be going completely mental due to the cocktail or warm cider and noodles that is currently swirling around in there, and they will more than likely have sun stroke. Still, at least they saw Coldplay!
The Picnic Crowd
It feels like every Saturday during the summer you wake up to the same text on your group chat: “Hey guys, picnic in the park from 2pm, bring booze and food 🙂 xoxo” and every time, the result is the same. Picnics always sound like a good idea, but the reality is completely different.
Most of the time, you are left drinking warm alcohol (because no one has a cooler and ice bags will just melt) and eating food that is ungracefully sweating it out in the plastic container you bought it in. However, picnics on social media look amazing. Someone will always lay the food out perfectly on a gingham rug, and take a snap before it all starts to look terrible.
Instagram stories will be of you and your friends popping open bottles of Prosecco and looking lovely as the sun begins to set. However, what you forgot to mention is that you are now horrifically drunk (daytime drinking is never a good idea) and covered in gnat bites. Neat.
The BBQ Crowd
Similar to the picnic, but the bbq is all about getting messed up. BBQs are the best part of summer, no doubt about it, and the reason is simple. Because BBQs happen in someones house, there is a fridge, a sound system and comfortable seating. The beers are cold, the steaks are marinated, and you can sink slowly into their sofa as the night goes on.
You can eat your body weight in sausages and burgers, sipping on a gin and tonic (with ice!!) whilst listening to Stevie Wonder and reclining in a deck chair. BBQs will always be broadcast through social media and in particular Instagram stories. If you are not there, you will instantly be jealous.
There is no doubt that at some point your mate will attempt to do “Salt Bae” on a huge chunk of steak, as everyone in the background looks sun-kissed and fabulous with their Aperol Spritz. A BBQ always ends up being a bit of a house party, and it’s pretty much written in the law that at some point “Dancing In The Moonlight” will come on… and you will absolutely love it.
The ‘F**k Summer’ Crowd
AKA gingers. The “F**k Summer” Crowd (FSC) are some of the worst people to ever exist. They moan that it’s too hot, that they’ve got bad hay fever, that they don’t have a summer wardrobe, that they don’t tan and that they can’t sleep. They get annoyed at absolutely everything that is good about the summer and constantly tweet, “I can’t wait for winter”.
You can’t wait for winter? You can’t wait for it to be chucking down with rain everyday? You can’t wait for it to be dark by four? You can’t wait to be so cold in your flat that you have to wear you coat inside? You can’t wait to be miserable every day for three months? Okay then.
The FSCs become social recluses in summer, they are either in the gym or going on strange holidays to places like Edinburgh and Snowdonia because “we’re not really bothered about getting any sun”. When summer begins to draw towards its sad end, they tell you that they “love how beautiful Autumn is” and that they cannot wait for the festive period (ignoring the multiple horrendous weeks between these two events).
So there you have it, these are the multiple personalities you will see across your newsfeeds in these coming months. Of course, there are many smaller subcultures to add to this list, but we feel like these are the main players. Now be gone, get outside, have a BBQ and make sure you document it all through the lense of your phone.