Losing a family member to suicide is extremely difficult, especially when they didn’t leave a note. There can be a feeling of never having gotten to say goodbye or ever truly understanding why they decided to end their life.
This was the case for Sarah-Raspberry Farmer, who lost her mother to suicide when she was just 14 years old. Farmer’s mother had substance abuse issues, including an addiction to meth, which led to a divorce from Farmer’s father, jail time, and her eventual suicide at 41 years of age.
Farmer insists that her mother was very loving despite her addiction issues, and, only months before her suicide, gave her daughter a bag of books. This gift that she left behind was a collection of literature that Farmer’s mother believed said the things she was unable to say to her daughter in person.
If you believe, in the video below, a medium explains how people who have passed on communicate with their loved ones:
Often, the books contained passages highlighted in pink that were meant to stand out to Farmer, who read all of the books save for one after her mother passed away. Among the books were classics like To Kill a Mockingbird and a collection of young adult novels.
However, also among them was the rather difficult and polarizing novel, House of Leaves by Mark Danielewski, which is not written traditionally, but rather is a collection of narrative, footnotes, verse, letters, and even puzzles and coded passages. Farmer did not read this book because, at the age of 14, it was too difficult.
Farmer eventually decided to sell the books to a second-hand store, including the unread House of Leaves. However, as she grew up, she regretted her decision. Now 19, Farmer sought to find a copy of last unread book her late mother had given her.
This should have been easy enough, but what she wasn’t expecting was to find the exact copy that her mother had gifted to her and that had been sold years previously. Farmer remembered the copy her mother had owned well. It was nibbled in the right corner with bluish flecks of paint on the cover.
So when she and her fiancé visited a used bookstore, a different store than the one that had purchased her books, she was shocked to discover a copy of House of Leaves with the right corner nibbled and flecks of bluish paint on the cover.
“I had been begging my fiancé for a couple of days about going to a bookstore, and we just happened to be in Arlington… and we saw a Half Price Books there,” Farmer explained. “I cried and cried and cried. I probably cried for hours,” she added.
At first, she shrugged off the possibility that it could have been the exact same book that her mother had left behind. After all, that would have been a quite the coincidence and it seemed like it should have been impossible.
However, when Farmer began to flip through the pages, she noticed something familiar. There were passages highlighted in pink, just like her mother used to do. There was no doubt that this was the very same book from all those years ago.
While House of Leaves didn’t have many highlighted passaged, one stuck out for Farmer. It read as follows:
“I took my morning walk, I took my evening walk, I ate something, I thought about something, I wrote something, I napped and I dreamt something too, and with all that something, I still have nothing because so much of sum’things has always been and always will be you. I miss you.”
Perhaps Farmer’s mother really did leave behind a message for her daughter after all. Farmer explains that while she was too young to understand the book when she received it, she is completely glued to the pages of House of Leaves now.
“It may just be a coincidence. However, I’m going to believe that somehow she knew I needed comfort. And somehow she got this book back to me,” Farmer said.
Her father, a tattoo artist who went by the nickname “Troll”, passed away from colon cancer this past New Year’s Day.
Perhaps things really do happen for a reason as the timing of finding this book, let alone finding it at all, is absolutely incredible. It’s enough to make even a few skeptics believe that our deceased loved ones are watching over us.
Sarah Weslow, the owner of the Half Price Books where Farmer’s copy of House of Leaves was found, believes there was a little bit of magic involved, and how could there not be?
She told the Dallas News: “I’m so glad that she found it. She was obviously going through a very difficult time. You just wonder how many times it got bought after she first sold it until it got to us – that’s just the magic of books.”
Whether it’s the magic of books or the magic of the universe, Farmer admits that this incredible coincidence has helped her greatly at a time she has been struggling. She admits she has been having a hard time, but that the book has been helping her finally find some closure about her mother’s death.
Farmer is also helping others find a bit of comfort about their own loved ones’ deaths as well. She originally posted her story on Reddit, where several other people have also shared their stories of coincidence or signs from loved ones passed away.
Many are certain that Farmer’s discovery was a sign from her mother, letting her know that she always was and still is very much loved. That final highlighted line, “I miss you”, is worthy of goosebumps. Something tells me Farmer won’t be sending her book back to the store this time around. We would like to take this opportunity to wish her all the best.