If you have a cat or have spent a lot of time around cats, then you know they’re furry little balls of affection, well-guarded by razor-sharp claws and layers of apathy. While dogs take to their owners almost immediately with endless unconditional love, cats are a little bit more… subtle in their affection.
My cat, for example, liked to cry at 6am every morning until I got out of bed, and then, when I trudged out bleary-eyed with a can of tuna, she’d ignore me, and pretend that she hadn’t done anything of the sort. Cats are kind of jerks, is what I’m trying to say. If an animal shelter goes out of their way to tell you how awful a cat is, then, you know that it’s a pretty evil cat.
In Melbourne, Australia, the pet adoption agency Cat People of Melbourne look to match cat lovers with a fuzzy feline friend. This week, though, a cat has come into the shelter looking for a home, and rather than try to tell you how loving and sweet this little mammal is, the Cat People of Melbourne website is practically daring its readers to adopt this cat, with one of the most savage descriptions I have seen for anything.
The Cat People of Melbourne adoption agency was founded back in October, and have found loving homes for plenty of cats ever since. Gina Brett is the founder and group coordinator, and this week, she’s come across Mr Biggles (aka Lord Bigglesworth); a cat that is, in Gina’s own words, “an utter utter utter bastard”.
“He looks gorgeous with his slinky shiny black fur and big yellow eyes… but beware. If he doesn’t like what you’re doing he will give you a nip! Sometimes he likes to swipe at your feet too. It just depends on what he can reach at the time. Mr Biggles does not like to be thwarted… Mr Biggles is a despot and dictator, he will let you know he is not happy, which is often because things are often just not up to his high standards.
What a charming little kitty! According to Gina, Lord Bigglesworth is prone to a tantrum whenever he’s not let outside, fed on time, picked up, or shown love in a way that he like (which is most ways). Despite this cat’s death stare and dictatorial style, Gina says that Lord Bigglesworth does have a soft side. Honest.
“He plays with kittens and actually does love a cuddle from time to time. He loves to be involved with what you’re doing and loves to have a chat, he will respond if you talk to him. While he’s not a fan of being picked up, likes a pat and cuddle from time to time and even permits kisses on his shiny black head if he’s feeling mellow… And now I’m in trouble for telling his softie secrets so I have been ordered to say that Lord Bigglesworth believes he was put on this earth to be decorative and be worshipped by his human slaves!
All over the world, the internet has fallen in love with this evil, evil cat, and it looks as if Lord Bigglesworth will be spoilt for choice when it comes to choosing the perfect human slave — I mean, loving adoptive home. He now has his own website
, which Gina says will soon feature useful seminars such as “stalking chickens 101”, “how to play with a dog and not kill it” or his main area of expertise: “rip shred tear – being firm with boundaries”.
Having shot to fame online, Gina caught up with Lord Bigglesworth to see what he thought of becoming viral, and his response is just about what you’d expect from a cat who’s a bit of a bastard.
Although cats are very much the Marmite of the pet world, there are plenty of people who don’t mind them in their homes at all, and some even prefer cats to dogs. Legend has it that some cats are even capable of showing affection. If you’re interested in becoming a human slave to Lord Bigglesworth, then please send your application to [email protected]