Disclaimer: Before you pack your bag, leave your marriage or start Google searching “how to remove anatomy” based on the following signs, know this isn’t an exact science. I’m just saying.
1. They take their phone to the toilet with them, and just about everywhere else
We may be in an age where our phones are our second oxygen but there’s a limit. I’m a fan of the “dump and browse” as much as the next person. But an inability to leave your phone lying around for more than a minute at a time is certainly pretty fishy.
2. They stop wanting to have sex with you
All couples go through patches where the sex dies down somewhat. But if you’re dating someone who previously had the sex drive of a dog in heat and now they couldn’t be less interested, just where are they getting their kicks from?
3. The passcode
There’s something inexplicably trustworthy about a partner who is fine with you knowing their passcode. It’s like the ultimate millennial token of trust. If you find someone is way too reluctant on this or tells you then changes it the next day, it seems a lot like they’ve got something to hide.
4. They start bringing home new lingo/phrases
Picking up new lingo usually requires you to spend a lot of time around someone else and/or really enjoy the way someone else talks until it naturally rubs off on you. Pun very much intended. This can also be transferred in a workplace or from a friend but if they refuse to fill you in on it, it gets a little suspicious.
5. They keep their phone on silent or refuse to accept certain calls
Both of above things f*cking stink. Especially when combined.
6. They spend a lot of time reading their messages smiling and refuse to share them with you
WHAT YOU F*KING SMILING AT, PUNK?
7. Their ego went from 0-100 real quick
Ego is great to an extent, especially when you know you’re behind making your other half feel good about themselves. However, if it remains at one level for a long time then flies through the roof out of nowhere, it’s definitely something to keep a side eye on.
8. They start getting suspicious of you
Nothing screams guilty like deflection.
9. They get super defensive over simple questions
“What have you been up to today babe?”
“F*CK IS IT TO YOU WHY DO YOU ALWAYS WANT TO KNOW WHERE I AM ALL THE TIME?”
Now, by no means do any of these individually scream OMG THEY’RE DEFINITELY BANGING SOMEONE ELSE. But if you start adding them all up together, it makes for a pretty shady picture. If you consider how this person would react if you mirrored their behaviour, it may tell you a lot about the balance of your relationship.
Don’t bill me for divorce costs.