Dogs are intelligent, loving and always will be man’s best friend. The thing is, we can never really get an insight into what they’re really like because our ability to communicate with them is fairly limited.
Yes, they respond to their own names and to basic commands like “sit” and “rollover”, but the only reply we can hope to get back is a bark. I don’t know about you, but I want to know what dogs get up to in their spare time, what they do career-wise and what kind of issues they have in their seemingly relaxed lives.
Here are 21 dog bios uncovering the true lives of man’s best friend…
1. He’s a middle-aged family man who constantly disappoints his wife and kids
He’s also having an affair with the pooch next door. She’s only just had a few puppies of her own, but the thrill is incomparable.
2. He’s thinking of packing in his business and moving somewhere hot and exotic
He’s narrowed it down to Barcelona, Valencia and Marbella. He prefers paella to meatballs anyway…
3. Darlene’s getting rather frail in her old age
However, after years of being a widow, she’s finally ready to settle down with someone new. Know any elderly dogs looking for a vivacious pooch?
4. His craft beer has always been the talk of the town
He also has a never-ending supply of plaid shits and beanies
5. You’ll usually find Sharon relaxing in the spa
She also goes to the gym a lot, but the only time she breaks into a sweat is when she lounges around in the sauna.
This next dog claims to enjoy watching documentaries so that he can broaden his horizons. However, the truth is he only puts them on in the background… On mute… While he tweets about how worldly and educated he is.
Dogs are my second favorite animal after cats. I prefer cats because they’re simple and straightforward. Dogs are too much like humans as these next few bios prove…
6. What his bio forgot to mention is that the Global Warming articles he shares on FB all claim that it’s a myth
Yes, he’s a Donald Trump-supporting global warming denier
7. They also call her Debbie Downer because she’s constantly disappointed
That’s why her husband left her. He was just never good enough and it drove him straight out the door.
8. Darryl hates his job with a passion so it was only a matter of time before he became an alcoholic
He’s now slowly but surely weaning himself off of alcohol. He’s recently reconnected with his daughter, and doesn’t want to be a bad influence.
9. He’s also one of those annoying YouTube commenters who writes “first” without actually being the first to comment
But then he’s just another attention-seeking teen who lives off of his friends’ approval. Pathetic.
10. Some say he’s a hipster because of his extensive vinyl collection, but he begs to differ
He’s nearly 30 now, and a number of his friends have settled down and married. However, he’s decided marriage isn’t for him and is perfectly content leading a life bumming cigarettes.
How could anyone possibly hate dogs? They’re wonderful creatures – well aside from this next dog who everyone seems to hate…
There are more to dogs than meets the eye. They don’t just bark, eat and play fetch in the park – they have marriages, careers and businesses. They’re like us, only fluffy and cute.
11. Everyone she knows hates her including her friends, husband and even her own son
They tell her she’s just way too self-centered and narcissistic, but she’s just too set in her ways to change.
12. She’s one of those racists with a “black friend” who she brings up in every argument
However, she does make a mean casserole so make up your own mind about her…
13. No one knows exactly why she and her husband divorced, but it had a little something to do with a certain lady Dalmatian…
Sharon is used to the disappointment though. Her first ex-husband turned out to be a deadbeat dad so every other ex of hers has been a step up from that
14. When she says she “doesn’t usually do that”, she means she doesn’t usually do it three days in a row
But she’s a 20-something-year-old trying to have as much fun as possible
15. Sometimes he’ll even let you call him “Big G”, but only if you’re like really tight
Big G is now back at home with his parents, and is looking for a job. Well, that’s his story anyway…
Dogs are incredible because they give us the illusion that they’re just simple-minded pooches. However, that’s not true at all, just check out this next pooch…
So, how do dogs manage to get up to all of this without us ever realizing? Well, they have a secret portal to an undiscovered world where dogs can do whatever the f**ck they want.
16. She also hangs around with a bunch of burlap-wearing hippies
She’s currently trying to find a way to reconcile her expensive taste in clothes with her newfound life as a hippie
17. You also wouldn’t let him within three yards of your kids
His life now is a far cry from what it used to be though. He was once a recluse who only left the house to take the trash out.
18. She may be off the hard drugs, but she still smokes marijuauna purely for medicinal purposes though
In the midst of her addiction, she had about three kids taken off her. She’s pretty sure it was three, but there may have been a sneaky fourth…
19. She’s also an avid Instagram user. In fact, she’s obsessed.
And she claims she’s happy with “the way God made her”, but she filters the c**p out of her selfies
20. He also hasn’t taken that hat off since the ’90s
He’s currently looking for love and is hoping his $100 bills might help him along the way
21. She’s hoping to have started her trip around the world by the time she’s 24
But she wants to sort out her pooping problem before she thinks about travelling anywhere
So there we have it, 16 dogs who managed to lead completely ordinary human lives without us ever realizing. We always knew dogs were intelligent creatures, turns out they’re a hell of a lot smarter than we’ll ever be. So, kudos to them and their sly little doggie selves.