Relationships scare me, fact. Hence why I’ve been rocking the single life for quite a while now. It wasn’t until recently that I met a guy that made me realize that maybe my heart isn’t made of stone. In the past few months he’s somehow managed to break down my strong independent woman wall brick by brick and now I feel totally exposed.
We are banging (regularly) on the door of being official and the thought is a little scary. As I said it has been a while since I’ve had a proper boyfriend, so I have had to familiarise myself with the rules of what’s acceptable and what isn’t. When you’re single it doesn’t matter if you don’t shave for three weeks, fart constantly or go out and kiss a stranger. However, these should probably be avoided if you’ve got a man in your life, and want to keep that man.
Of course, we should be ourselves – no girl should change herself for a fella and vice versa. This being said I am a firm believer that we should probably keep some things in our lives to ourselves, especially at the start of a new relationship. I’m sure you know the kind of shit that I’m referring to, but if not here are a few suggestions on what you should avoid doing in front of your boyfriend.
1. Talk about your number
Unless you have been a saint throughout your whole life, he doesn’t want to know about how many other Ps have entered your V. Even if he says that he doesn’t care, he’s lying. Keep it to yourself.
2. Compare him to your ex-boyfriend
Would you enjoy it if he told you an anecdote about the time he took a trip with his ex-girlfriend to Paris? Unless it was the place he dumped her after spotting you in a crowd full of people the answer is no.
3. Hook up with someone else
I think this one speaks for itself. If you’re wondering why then you should probably take a long hard look at yourself.
4. Let him see you bleach your mustache
I’m aware that not all ladies do this because not all ladies have to. I think men are way too fragile to handle the idea that a woman could potentially get a fuzzy mustache, so your safest bet is to keep it to yourself.
5. Pee in the shower, together
Peeing in the shower splits opinion at the best of times. You may release yourself regularly while you are on your own under a stream of hot flowing water, but if you are in there with your fella this should be avoided. And remember ladies this rule works both ways! No amount of soap can wash away that image from your minds.
6. Forget to brush your teeth
No one wants the scent of your STANKING breath to hit them like a ton of bricks. No one.
7. Ditch the razor
Unless your partner is into the natural look your razor should be your best friend, especially when you know you are going to do the dirty.
8. Fart like a trooper
Farting is a bit of a controversial issue. Some of you may think that it’s a sign of true love when you get to the stage that you can let one rip in each other’s presence. I, however, think this is a bad move. Romance and wafts of egg do not go well together. Would you like him to dutch oven you? No, of course, you wouldn’t, so the rule swings both ways.
9. File your feet in front of him
Dead skin and boyfriends do not go well together.
10. Pick your nose
If you do this, stop. This does not just apply to relationships, this applies to everyone. It’s gross. Please stop.
11. Order a salad and eat all his food
Ladies if you want a burger, order a burger. Do not go with the ‘healthy’ option and munch away on his cheese fries. That’s a one-way ticket to a bitten off finger.
12. Talk abut your period in detail
Periods are natural, we all know that. Although I may discuss the ins and out of my own cycle with my girlfriends, I have been informed by the men in the office that they do not like it when we get in-depth about our bloody issues.
13. Poop in his presence
Once they’ve got the image of you shitting in their head it will be difficult to get out. Plus, if you poo in front of them they may think that it’s acceptable to poo in front of you, and that’s not cool.
14. Be a jealous bitch
No one likes a jealous bitch, he’s with you for a reason.
15. Complain about your figure
At the end of the day, they probably love you for who you are, whatever your shape or size. Embrace your figure and they will too. As the Spice Girls once said, “GIRL POWER.”
Before you get your knickers in a twist ladies, I must emphasize that these are just suggestions. After all, every relationship is different. Your man may love it when you grow out your pubic hair, fart like a trooper and have a fetish for you peeing on him in the shower. If that is the case then that’s great for you. However, in my experience, if you want your fella to stick around you should avoid these like the plague. But as I said at the beginning of this article I’ve been single for a while, so what do I know?