In pretty much every culture in the world, sex can seem like it is shrouded in secrecy in the eyes of youngsters.
Before these innocent children reach the ‘appropriate’ age, adults will go to great lengths to protect them from the universal truth that people actually use their genitals to mutually pleasure each other. And ‘naughtily’ enough, they enjoy doing it too.
And so long before (and perhaps in some cases not so long before) you lose your virginity you might believe certain things about getting down and dirty; things that are entirely unfounded.
Take a read of the following hysterically insane things that people actually believed about sex before they ever had it.
1. If you didn’t believe in immaculate conception as a kid, were you ever a kid?
“One time in fourth grade I was at a sleepover and someone was scared they were pregnant because they had slept in a bed with a boy. And even though nothing happened, like they didn’t even touch each other, we were all like, ‘Well, maybe you are.’ And I remember a big part of the concern was ‘Did you have pants on?’ because even if they didn’t touch each other, if they were pants-less. Maybe she could be pregnant.”
2. “Thrust” me, this is so wrong
“I didn’t think the penis moved. I thought he just put it in and let it stay there for a little while.”
3. The best kind of know-it-all
“Well, my mom told me about it at a really young age; I was that annoying little b*tch who told all my friends where babies came from before their parents wanted them to know. But I think I thought it was more of a fun classy party and not the sweaty smoosh-fest it actually is.”
I think it’s a fair assumption to make that most people first learn about sex from their parents rather than other kids on the playground. And that’s definitely for the best considering all the misinformation that children tend to spout.
Take a look at the video below to see a bunch of parents explaining the ‘birds and the bees’ to their little ones.
People often draw parallels between being horny and being ‘hungry’ or, more commonly, ‘thirsty’. Well, this next person took this a little too literally when she was a kid, and it’s absolutely hilarious.
4. Pancakes and sausages
“I clearly remember a video they showed in elementary school about puberty and there was an analogy depicting breasts as pancakes and penises as breakfast sausage. So though I didn’t really even think about what sex technically was, I had a feeling it would be delicious and leave you feeling bloated.”
5. It’s all about relieving yourself
“After talking to my older brother: ‘So it’s like… peeing on someone?’ I learned that was wrong, then learned I was sort of right.”
6. Never underestimate the power of foreplay
“I thought it was just, like, really intense kissing. I heard the word ‘sex’ for the first time in second grade and it seemed very taboo at the time… for the most part, I just pretended it wasn’t a thing because I had only ever heard people my age mention it in, like, hushed tones because they thought they were saying something bad.”
Before you’ve had sex, you’re more likely to believe some of the horror stories you hear about losing your virginity. And although your first time is rarely outstanding, considering your total lack of experience, it’s almost certainly not as terrifying as you make it out to be in your head.
7. It all worked out in the end
“I wanted to wait until marriage until I was 16. I thought I was going to bleed a lot more than the *none* that I bled. I thought it was going to hurt, which it didn’t, and I thought I wouldn’t have an orgasm, and I so totally did.”
8. Chance would be a fine thing
“I thought adults were always doing it. Like every time they got into bed.”
9. He was of the ‘Stork delivers babies’ school of thought
“Growing up knowing I was gay, I didn’t even know sex was a thing until the first time I saw gay porn.”
When you’re a kid and you catch glimpses of characters on TV, post-coitus, simply lying in bed with their partner, it can seem that this is all there is to it. But soon enough you learn that there is a lot more to it.
10. Imagination – life is your creation
“I thought people just took their clothes off and lay together. That’s how I had my Barbies do it too.”
11. The bare minimum
“I thought it was just naked kissing without a blanket so yeah…”
12. It’s written all over your face
“I just remember thinking it would literally change how I looked to people, like people would instantly know I had done it.”
As a little kid, you’re more likely to be grossed out by sex than anything else.
So credit to this next person who thought having sex seemed like magic long before she ever had it.
13. It’s literally magical
“Just smiling at one another and nuzzling and magic seemed to happen under the covers.”
14. Pussy Galore
“A bunch of just, like… kissing in bed, I guess? Like in the ’90s James Bond films.”
So there you have it: some of the most ludicrous things people actually believed about sex before they ever had it. I hope you had a good laugh – I certainly did!