As we start a new year yet again, I find myself blighted left, right, and centre with one unavoidable question: “Have you made any resolutions?” This question is usually directed at me by people who have their life well and truly together, often with a tone of condescension and pity.
If you’re the kind of person who can’t even decide what to make for dinner this evening, then being forced to make a resolution that could affect your entire year is pretty much an impossible task. But hey, don’t worry, because the following handy list details exactly why you don’t need a single one of your resolutions.
1. I will sign up to the gym
No one likes going to the gym. It’s boring, difficult, and takes time out of our busy schedules. Instead, why not try simply walking, running, or cycling to and from work? Or why not give a YouTube HIIT class a try? You’ll save time, money, and save yourself from the endless comparisons with fit, toned, jealousy-inducing gym bunnies.
2. I will eat less chocolate
OK, OK, so giving up your three-Hersheys-a-day habit probably is a good idea after all. But did you know that dark chocolate with a cocoa percentage of 70 plus is genuinely, scientifically good for you?
3. I will find a boyfriend/girlfriend
If you’re desperate to find love in time for Valentine’s day, actively searching out that person who fits your 1,093,094 requirements for the perfect partner is the very worst thing you could do. Instead, spend time engaging in activities you actually enjoy doing, and you never know who you might meet.
4. I will quit drinking
Unless you have a serious problem with alcohol, having a few drinks with friends every now and again won’t hurt. Instead of resolving to go cold turkey, why not just cut out those horrible binge drinking-related hangovers?
5. I will try harder at work
If you’re having to make this resolution, it probably means your job bores you to death. People who actually enjoy their chosen profession are more likely to work hard and reap the benefits. Instead, why not resolve to quit your job and find something you actually enjoy doing?
If you’ve resolved to quit social media, stop eating pasta, or to lose weight, then I’d suggest heading over to the next page sharpish.
6. I will quit social media
Social media is a pervasive, everyday fact of life, and the urge to quit it is understandable. However, instead of quitting it completely, why not use Facebook or Instagram to sell some art, make a political stand, or raise money for charity? It’s not all selfies and selfishness after all.
7. I will stop eating pasta
If you enjoy eating pasta, eat pasta. The sadness you’ll feel as a direct result of not eating pasta will far outweigh the happiness you’ll feel from losing two pounds.
8. I will stop procrastinating
In our modern world, we’re often taught that speed is the most important factor in any required action. However, according to Frank Partnoy, a professional procrastinator and author of Wait: The Art and Science of Delay; “The wisest leaders embraced procrastination and would basically sit around and think and not do anything unless they absolutely had to.” So if you’re the kind of person who sits around and procrastinates all day, you’re in good company.
9. I will lose weight
If you’ve been trying and failing to lose weight for a while now, it might be that your body simply doesn’t need to lose any more. Instead, perhaps focus on being fitter, rather than thinner.
10. I will stop ordering takeaways
Takeaways are the best. Sure, they may dent a little hole in your wallet, but they’ll also fill a delicious hole in your foodie heart. Just make sure you pick a good’un.
11. I will grow up
Growing up is underrated. Some of the best people I know reached their twilight years with the mental age of a 20-year-old. After all, who wants to spend their whole life worrying about mortgages and perfecting their Brussels sprouts recipe? Not me, that’s for sure.
So there you have it. New Year’s resolutions were made to be broken, and you should probably just give up on your quest to be a proper, functioning grownup. Who do you think you’re kidding anyway?